Green flags and red flags in dating: what to look for early

A green flag is something a person does that shows they can be trusted and want what you want: they do what they say, they’re clear about their intentions, and they respect a “no”. A red flag is behaviour that should make you slow down or leave: pressure, control, contempt, or a story that keeps changing. A different plan for children or marriage is neither. It’s a mismatch, and it’s better found early.

Steade is a dating service, so we have an interest in this topic. The lists below are drawn from AWARE Singapore, the Gottman Institute and the Singapore Police Force, each linked where it’s used, and were checked on 1 November 2026. If you think something here is wrong, email hello@steade.app.

Green flags: signs someone is ready for something serious

These are the things to look for in the first few weeks. None of them is dramatic. Most are about consistency.

• They do what they say. If they say they’ll call on Thursday, they call on Thursday. Small promises kept are the best early evidence you’ll get.
• They tell you what they’re looking for without being asked twice. Someone who wants a relationship will say so. “Let’s see where it goes” is fine on a first date. By the third or fourth, it’s worth a direct question.
• They ask about you and remember the answers. They follow up on the work presentation you mentioned or your mother’s surgery.
• They take “no” well. You decline a second drink, a later time or a topic, and they move on without sulking or pushing.
• They’re happy to meet in public and to video call first. People with nothing to hide don’t mind being seen.
• They talk about other people fairly. That includes exes, colleagues and the waiter who got the order wrong.
• They disagree without putting you down. A difference of opinion stays about the issue, not about you.
• They introduce you to their life over time. Friends, plans, the weekend routine. Not all at once, but more as the weeks go on.
• Your big plans fit. You both want children, or you both don’t. You agree roughly on when to marry and what role faith plays. These conversations are easier in month one than in year two.

The most useful single test is whether their actions and words line up. A person who says little but always turns up is a better sign than one who says a lot and often doesn’t.

Red flags early on, especially with someone from an app

Some red flags appear before you’ve met. Scammers and people who aren’t honest about themselves follow patterns, and Singapore’s police data shows how common those patterns are. The Singapore Police Force recorded 917 internet love scam cases in 2025, with about S$24.9 million lost (SPF Annual Scam and Cybercrime Brief 2025).

Watch for these in the first days and weeks:

• Love declared within days. Talk of a future together before you’ve met is a known scam pattern. It also shows up in people who move fast and then lose interest.
• A push to move off the app straight away, usually to WhatsApp or Telegram.
• Always a reason not to video call or meet.
• Money comes up in any form: an emergency, a loan, a gift card, or an investment or crypto platform they’d like to show you.
• Vague or changing facts about their job, where they live, or whether they’re single.
• Pressure about sex or photos before you’re ready.

If money or an investment comes up with someone you haven’t met, stop and check. The ScamShield Helpline is 1799. Our guide on how to spot a dating scam in Singapore explains the stages scammers follow and what to do.

Red flags in a relationship

Once you’re seeing someone, the red flags change. They become about how the person treats you over time. AWARE Singapore lists these as signs of an abusive relationship:

• One partner feels pressured by the other in regard to sex.
• One partner criticises or humiliates the other in front of people.
• One partner frequently checks up on the other and questions what they do when they’re not together.
• One partner’s jealousy stops the other from seeing friends or family.
• One partner feels scared by the other’s violence or threatening behaviour.
• One partner threatens harm, to themselves or the other, if the relationship ends.
• One partner makes excuses for bad behaviour, such as “it’s because of alcohol”, “I can’t control my temper” or “I was just joking”.

AWARE also notes that abusive relationships “rarely begin with physical violence” and that abuse “tends to escalate over time”. So the early signs matter: checking your phone, resenting your friends, and anger you have to manage around.

Contempt is another sign to take seriously, even when there’s no abuse. The Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for decades, calls contempt “the most destructive negative behavior in relationships” and “the number one predictor of divorce” (Gottman Institute). Contempt is eye-rolling, mockery, name-calling, or talking to you as if you’re beneath them. Ordinary arguments are normal. Arguments where one person treats the other with disgust are not.

Red flags in a guy, or in a woman

Search results often split these lists by gender. The behaviour that matters is the same for both. A man who mocks his ex, checks your messages or pushes for money is showing a red flag. So is a woman who does those things. The same goes for green flags: keeping promises, being clear about intentions and taking “no” well are good signs in anyone.

A red flag or a mismatch?

Not every reason to stop seeing someone is a red flag. A red flag is about how a person behaves: honesty, respect, safety. A mismatch is about what they want: children, marriage, faith, where to live, how to handle money. A kind, honest person who doesn’t want children is not showing a red flag. They’re the wrong partner for someone who does.

The difference matters because the two need different responses:

• A red flag says something about how this person will treat you. Slow down, talk to someone you trust, and leave if it continues.
• A mismatch says nothing bad about either of you. The useful move is to find it early, before months of investment make it hard to walk away.

Differences in big plans are hard to bridge, and they’re easy to put off talking about. Bring up children and marriage timing in the first few dates. It feels early, but asking in week three is easier than finding out in year two.

What to do when you see a red flag

1. Say what you noticed, plainly. “You checked my phone while I was away. I’m not comfortable with that.” How someone responds to a calm, specific comment tells you a lot.
2. Tell a friend you trust. Red flags are easier to see from outside, and it’s harder to talk yourself out of what you’ve said aloud.
3. Don’t give money to someone you haven’t met, whatever the reason.
4. Leave if it continues. You don’t owe anyone a second chance on pressure, control or contempt.
5. Get help if you feel unsafe. The National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline is 1800 777 0000, every day, 24 hours (MSF). AWARE’s Women’s Helpline is 1800 777 5555, Monday to Friday, 10 am to 6 pm. If you’re in immediate danger, call the police on 999 or SMS 70999.

Where Steade fits

Steade is a free dating service for adults in Singapore who want a committed, long-term relationship. It handles the mismatch side before you meet. When you join, you answer questions about children, marriage timing, faith and money. Someone who wants children is never introduced to someone who doesn’t, and someone who wants to marry in the next two years is never introduced to someone who isn’t sure marriage is for them. You can also set up to three dealbreakers of your own. See preferences and dealbreakers.

It helps with some of the early red flags too. Every member’s identity is checked, chat opens only when you both accept, and for each member’s first 14 days after their identity is verified, chat won’t send links, phone numbers or messaging app handles (why). It can’t tell you how someone will treat you. That part is still yours to watch for.

Every Tuesday and Friday at 8 pm, Steade sends at most one introduction, with up to three plain reasons, such as “You both want children”. There is no paid tier. You can create your account or read how Steade works.

Frequently asked questions

What are green flags in dating?

Green flags are behaviours that show someone is trustworthy and wants what you want. The clearest are keeping small promises, saying plainly what they’re looking for, asking about you and remembering the answers, taking “no” well, being happy to video call or meet in public, and agreeing with you on big plans such as children and marriage.

What are the biggest red flags in a relationship?

Pressure about sex, humiliating you in front of others, checking up on you constantly, jealousy that keeps you from friends or family, threats if you leave, and excuses for bad behaviour. These are AWARE Singapore’s signs of abuse. Contempt, such as mockery and eye-rolling, is another serious sign; the Gottman Institute calls it the number one predictor of divorce.

What are red flags when talking to someone on a dating app?

Saying they love you within days, pushing to move to WhatsApp or Telegram straight away, avoiding video calls and meetings, facts that keep changing, and any mention of money, loans, gift cards or investments. If money comes up with someone you haven’t met, stop and call the ScamShield Helpline on 1799.

Is not wanting children a red flag?

No. It’s a mismatch, not a red flag. A red flag is about how someone behaves, such as dishonesty or control. A different plan for children, marriage or faith says nothing bad about either person, but it’s worth finding out in the first few dates rather than months later.

Where can I get help in Singapore if my relationship feels unsafe?

Call the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline on 1800 777 0000 at any hour, or AWARE’s Women’s Helpline on 1800 777 5555 on weekdays from 10 am to 6 pm. In an emergency, call the police on 999 or SMS 70999.

Related guides

• How to spot a dating scam in Singapore
• Situationship: what it means, the signs, and how to move on
• First date ideas in Singapore that make talking easy
• Singpass-verified dating in Singapore: what it tells you
• Dating in Singapore when you want something serious